there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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