his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
