the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
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Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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