Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
