I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
