Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I need a burrito and a hug.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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