so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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