***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
