i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
