It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
