Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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