But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
