Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
