New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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