so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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