I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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