Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
