You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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