; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Text me some of your sweat
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