Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I had to cum in my sink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
