I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
