we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
