I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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