i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
