That's intense
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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