who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
