you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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