OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
