I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
