Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
