Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
