in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
