I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
