11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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