i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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