I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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