$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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