...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
