Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
