Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
