Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.