he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.