I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance