so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
