I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
