wat bout pragnant strippers??
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
