So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Still dying that you shit outside
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
