how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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