i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
