Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
