I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
