If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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