just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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