I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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