I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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