I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
