I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
