i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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