i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
