I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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