dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
