So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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