You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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