I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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